12 posts tagged “life”

It's an odd feeling to anxiously check one's e-mail, hoping that a message came through while hoping that the message never comes.  Scott is not doing well.  On Thursday night I received an e-mail from Sondra that indicated that Scott was expected to pass through that night or possibly the next day.  Ever since then I have been checking my e-mail obsessively.  My inbox barely has a chance to collect more than one e-mail before I have checked it, anticipating that I will get "the" news from Sondra.  Sondra did send out an e-mail around noon today that stated that Scott is still holding on, but barely.  His breathing has gotten even slower, his pulse is low, he is nearly unresponsive.  I don't want his body to feel pain, but I don't want him to go.  I don't want to hear the news that Scott has passed, but I don't want to not know when it happens.  The only thing I can do is continue to pray for him and his family.

Rubyring

I bought a ruby ring today.  It wasn't completely impulsive, but I can't say that I've been thinking about it for more than a week.  A girl in my management class during winter session had a gorgeous ruby and diamond ring and it always caught my eye. So I went on a search today for a ring like hers.  After five jewelry stores, I didn't find the ring I had in mind; however, at the fifth store I found the ring that I ended up ordering.  I almost thought it was a pink sapphire because it had a slightly pinkish look to it.  I tried it on and thought it was very pretty and would be cool to use as a stacking ring should I want to buy another.  In seven-ten days I will have my new ring.

I've never owned a ruby and the only thing I know about it is that its July's birthstone.  So, I did some googling and found out some pretty coincidental stuff... just how the meaning of the stone parallels what I want to do/have in life. 

Here is some of the stuff that I found... and you know it must be true if I read it on the internet :)

* To own a ruby is said to have contentment and peace.

* Ruby rings should be worn on the left hand so as to receive the life force and have protection.

* It is said that the power of ruby is in its encouragement to follow your dreams and your bliss, helping you to change your world. 

* Ruby is the gemstone recommended to strengthen the Sun. One’s courage and will power may be increased by wearing ruby, and it will increase vitality and the ability to perceive things in a true and correct manner. It can help in developing spiritual insight, or looking within toward spiritual realization.

* On the physical side, it may strengthen the heart and help digestion and metabolism. It should be noted that rubies are so powerful that if worn by the wrong person they may cause physical or mental imbalances in the categories governed by the Sun. Red tourmaline, called rubellite, or red spinel may be substituted for ruby and will give the same effects, although with somewhat less strength.

* Rubies range from deep red to other tones depending on occupation or effects desired. A teacher, intellectual, or priest should wear a ruby of a pinkish-red color. A ruler, administrator, or military officer should have a blood red color ruby. A merchant of any goods or produce, or one involved with banking or monetary instruments can wear a slightly pinkish-red to slightly orange-red color or can also wear the blood-red color. An artist, clerical person, or skilled or unskilled laborer would wear a ruby of a darker purple-red color.

* Ruby has a pure red ray. Ruby will draw wealth to you if you keep one in each room of your home. It is an enhancer of passion and a very sensual stone. It also gives self-confidence and a sense of adventure. Ruby allows you to face old fears and put them behind you. When you feel you don't know what path to take or you are stuck in a rut of any kind, (work, love etc.), keep a ruby with you for three days and you will know what you should do.

• Grandpop is doing sooo much better.  Thank God, because that transitional period was horrible!
• Only one more day of work this week.
• Only two more days until Julie and I go road trippin' to NC.
• The BodyWorlds exhibit in Charlotte is going to be sooo neat.
• I get paid for doing nothing on Monday.
• Ellie only has two more classes until she gets her associate's degree.
• We're planning a seven-year-associate's party.
• Cutting the grass is actually slightly enjoyable.
• Tara will be in town next week.
• I've started to kind of like hot dogs again (though I still won't touch the ends).  I think I'll be grilling a hot dog tonight for dinner.

Today was April's mom's funeral.  It was a short and sweet service at the funeral home and subsequent interment at the cemetary.  I did pretty well until I watched as April placed a single flower on her mom's casket, said a few words (which I was not close enough to hear), and tapped on the casket.  Unreal.  Loretta was only 53.  She enjoyed her job, she loved her family, and she had a good life. I find myself with quite a conundrum when I compare her sudden death to that of my grandparents' current circumstances:  Is it better to die when things in life are good and not have the longest life or is it better to keep on living, even when each day is more painful and uncomfortable than the last, just to still be alive?  I really can't answer that question.  I do think that it is fortunate that Loretta will never be a nursing home resident, that she will not be burdened with medical bills, and that she will never have experienced a lengthy illness; however, she will never experience being a grandparent, seeing her daughter get married (should it become legal), and enjoying retirement with her husband.  Is it worth all the misery at the end to have a few more life experiences over a few more years?  I just can't find peace with the question. 

I realized today that I feel pretty darn good.  Things are going well.  Life is good.  Yay.

When I worked at Video Scene during my first year of college, I always got a kick out of the people who rented the porn movies.  When I worked during the day, it would be mostly middle-aged men in business attire that would come out to the counter with a black bag and a porno.  When I worked at night, it would be college kids and couples that would be renting. During that shift, younger kids that would try to sneak back there to get a peep and I'd go back there and try to embarrass them and run them out of the room (which my friend Steve would tell me was pretty hysterical because I was shorter than these kids [and most of the shelving] and no one took me seriously).  Anyway, imagine my surprise when this old lady came up to the register with a porno called "Amanda by Night."  I was freaked out not just because she picked the one porn that had my own name in the title, but because she was an old lady renting a porno!  I was wondering why she wouldn't prefer one of the granny porns that were in the fetish section... wouldn't she feel more comfortable with one of those?  "87 and still bangin'" seems like that would make for a delightful evening.

Okay, terrible segue time...

Speaking of 87 and still banging, guess what my mom found in my grandparents' house?!  Big D was cleaning out my grandparents' house when she came across an opened box of condoms with seven condoms left!  Uggh!  My grandparents had two children, and with that knowledge my mom said, "Well, I now have proof that your grandmother had sex more than twice!"  Again, uggh!  I really can't say that I believe that these were a recent purchase, but you just never know.  All I know is that this better not be the reason that grandmom broke her hip!

It's weird pulling into my driveway these days.  As much as I bitched about Grandpop and Grandmom's habit of staring out of the window of their side door, noting my every move, I kind of miss them being there.  From the time El and I were young, they always had tabs on us.  At certain times, it wasn't really a bad thing.  For example, Mom and Dad would feel comfortable leaving us at home by ourselves (whether that meant while they were at work while we were on summer break or while they were on vacation out of state) because our grandparents were next door and could keep an eye (or four) on us.  Of course, as the years went on, I felt somewhat like an exhibitionist when kissing a boyfriend outside of my house, knowing that they were watching. 

If they weren't staring outside the side door when I got home, they would likely be found out in the yard.  In recent years, we'd get knocks on the door from everything from a friendly invitation to Bonanza for dinner to a frightened plea for a ride to the hospital because Grandmom's gums wouldn't stop bleeding.  Most recently, Grandpop would come knock on the door to ask if we'd seen Grandmom; we'd just have to remind him that Grandmom was at Salisbury Nursing Home, where she now has to live.  It's almost like everytime we remind him of that, he hears it again for the first time and it hits him so hard.  I can't even imagine what it's like to live life like that.

I try to remember that Grandpop's life is riddled with layers upon layers of emotions: anger, depression, confusion, vulnerability, sadness, fear, paranoia, loneliness, and short-lived bursts of happiness and clarity.  Knowing all of this, and using my intelligence to process all of it, does nothing to diffuse the emotional drainage I personally experience.  I don't believe that I will ever forget the Sunday afternoon just a few weeks ago that Grandpop told me that I didn't love him and that I wanted to see him dead, all as he was punching the side door of his house.  He was upset because he thought I went to see Grandmom without him, though all I did was go out to breakfast (to which I had also invited him).

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I miss the people that they were.  I guess I don't really miss them blatantly following my every move, as much as I just miss the awareness of life that they had.  It's so saddening for my grandfather to not remember my name and for my grandmother to not to remember how to swallow.

Sometimes you just don't really know what you have until it's gone, which I guess is so true of so many things in my life.

I have had way more conversations with my Aunt Joy in the last couple weeks than I have in my whole life.  During our conversation today, we got a little off-topic from our discussion about the situation with Grandmom and Grandpop and we started talking about men.  I told her that I don't think that I want to be in a relationship anytime soon because I am completely unwilling to take a man who demonstrates any (negative) characteristics that my father has.  She told me that she and her closest friend Dale were talking about their dating mantra... it takes a great man to be better than no man.  I really liked that phrase and found it pretty fitting.

I Still Remember - Bloc Party

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon"
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

• I am in awe of the fact that my house is located perfectly in between two WaWa locations. Okay, well one of them is still in process of being built, but soon I'll have to choose between them.
• I have a tiny little whitehead on my forehead.  It's almost kind of cute.
• Today was my first Friday at work in over six months.  It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be and I got a lot of work done.
• I got nails today.  Gel ones.  It was an impulse thing.  I want to stop chewing my fingernails, so I'm giving it a try.  The only other time I've had nails was in 1999 for my high school prom... and I even chewed those off!  At least I'm typing okay with them.
• I once attempted to do a handstand while I was in the shower when I was maybe seven or eight.  I didn't get very far.  I kicked my heels up and one of them hit the water faucet and tore a huge chunk of skin off.  I shared that story with Mike last night while we were on the phone and I keep trying to figure out what would have motivated me to do that.
• I haven't been remembering my dreams over the last week, which is quite a change from the several weeks preceding this one.  They were quite graphic, to say the least.